I wish I could tell you exactly how I am feeling now – and I wish I could go back to the old times when I can blog about my feelings and thoughts – without worries and fears.

I am not my usual self lately – and I hate myself for even entertaining these thoughts, these feelings. I wish I could articulate everything in this blog – but I find it hard to write the right words and choose the best phrases (like how difficult it is to tell a friend you can’t make it).

I know exactly what it is and it is destroying me. Part of me just wants to go somewhere – or just disappear – or just go someplace where people don’t know me. Some of my friends know only a part of who I am; while others only know about the things I post online. They are all good times – because the better ones are better be shared offline.

Funny how I find quotes entertaining – and more meaningful (but I still won’t read those EliteDaily and ThoughtCatalog articles – and not sharing them). I felt like I was back at age 15.  I realized that when I feel emotional and vulnerable, that is when I turn to social media. It is like an escape. I found myself interacting more to people and friends online – commenting on their photos and statuses. But there are times when I just want to deactivate. 

It is odd to be feeling this low (or high) when I know exactly what to tell a friend when he/she is in this situation. Like, stop overthinking. 

Friends keep me sane. There are friends who are there to listen (but just laugh at your stories because they think that’s how you always deal with problems – I appreciate them). There are friends who know how to listen and know exactly what to tell you – like they know the right responses to your feelings and thoughts – and overthinking (and I love them – and they are most often the ones I don’t get to talk to and see as often). And there are friends I have taken for granted (and I am sorry, and I thank them for understanding me and my mood lately).

Wearing: Cesa Swimwear
Photo taken in Sta. Ana, Cagayan (Philippines)
Photo by @rodelflordeliz

I am falling deeper and deeper into a hole I’d dug myself – and I want myself out of it.  Otherwise, it would destroy me.

Ending it with a lighter mood: bikinis speak louder than words.


Thank you for reading. I don’t normally post/publish entries like this. Better days and happier posts coming!

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Anguib Beach – Boracay of the North